some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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