I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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