I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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