Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
