I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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