I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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