He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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