Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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