Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
