I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
