I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
