Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
