all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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