it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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