The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
