He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
