i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
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If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
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i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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