you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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