i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
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when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.