your room smells of hookers.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
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The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
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Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here