You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I stole an accordion from the bar
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.