i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
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so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
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We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration