Having a random hookup so left but love u
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
