Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
