remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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