Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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