Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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