i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
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and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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