just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
