i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
