Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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