Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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