OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The air was thick with penises
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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