nut hugger
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
