You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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