if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
