You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
