don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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