yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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