is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
