No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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