I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
