I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
