My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
