Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
