I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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