ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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