You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
