Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
