Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You can't just leave with hair like that
sex in a hospital.. check
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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