I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
