Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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