After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
