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i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
