My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
