we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
organizing the empties. That sober.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
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I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
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I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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