Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
