I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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