Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
